These Common Phrases Said to Kids Are Actually Problematic 

When it comes to talking with our kids, it's all too easy to slip into common phrases like "practice makes perfect" or "you're okay." But it turns out that not all of those go-to sayings are the most helpful. And while it might be impossible to never say these things to your child, it can be beneficial to know why those phrases aren't the most productive thing to hear.

Read on for 10 common sayings that may do more harm than good, why you should avoid saying them to your child, and what to say instead if you want to raise a happy child.

"Great Job."

Research has shown that tossing out a generic compliment like "Good girl" or "Way to go" every time your child masters a skill makes them dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation, says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, PsyD, author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. This is known as the self-deflation hypothesis which theorizes that excessive praise sets unrealistic standards and eventually lowers the child's self-esteem.1

Instead of providing excessive and vague positive feedback whenever your child accomplishes something—save the kudos for when they're truly warranted and be as specific as you can. Being specific can help them realize For example, instead of "Super game," you can say, "That was a nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate."

While it's typically true that the more time your child devotes, the sharper their skills will become. The adage can also ramp up the pressure they feel to win or excel. "It sends the message that if you make mistakes, you didn't train hard enough," says Joel Fish, PhD, author of 101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent.

Instead, encourage your child to work hard because they'll improve and feel proud of their progress. They should focus on incremental milestones instead of perfection. For example, try saying "practice the piano so you can finish learning that song you love."

"You're Okay."

When your child scrapes their knee and bursts into tears, your instinct may be to reassure them that they're not badly hurt. But telling them they're fine may only make them feel worse. "Your kid is crying because they are not okay," says Dr. Berman.

In that moment you can best help your child by showing them how to understand and deal with their emotions, not discount them. Try giving them a hug and acknowledging what they're feeling by saying something like, "That was a scary fall." Then ask whether they'd like a bandage or a kiss—or both.

"Hurry Up!"

Your child dawdles over their breakfast, insists on tying their own sneakers (even though they haven't quite mastered the technique yet), and is on pace to be late for school… again. But pushing them to get a move on creates additional stress, says Linda Acredolo, PhD, coauthor of Baby Minds.

Soften your tone slightly and say, "Let's hurry," instead. This sends the message that the two of you are on the same team and both of you are trying to accomplish the same goal. You can reframe it as a task you both need to tackle, and make sure to ask if there's anything they might need help with that is preventing them from 'hurrying up.'

"I'm On a Diet."

If your child sees you stepping on the scale every day and hears you talking about food in relation to your body image, they may develop an unhealthy body image of their own, says Marc S. Jacobson, MD, professor of pediatrics and epidemiology at Nassau University Medical Center, in East Meadow, New York.

Instead, you can frame food as an essential component for energy and nutrition. Avoid using food as a reward and don't discuss food in relation to your body image. You should also stop labeling foods as "good" or "bad." This will help your child develop a healthy relationship with food and can prevent them from developing an eating disorder.

"We Can't Afford That."

It's easy to say "we can't afford that" when your child begs you for the latest toy, but doing so sends the message that you're not in control of your finances, which can be scary for kids, says Jayne Pearl, the author of Kids and Money.

Choose an alternative way to convey the same idea, such as, "We're not going to buy that because we're saving our money for more important things." If they insist on discussing it, you have a perfect window to start a conversation about how to budget and manage money. You can even help them learn budgeting by offering them money for chores and showing them how to manage their allowance.

"Don't Talk to Strangers."

This is a tough concept for a young child to grasp. Even if a person is unfamiliar, they may not think of them as a stranger if they're nice. Plus, kids may take this rule the wrong way and resist the help of emergency officials whom they don't know, says Nancy McBride, executive director for the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, Florida Regional Office, in Lake Park.

Instead of warning them about strangers, bring up scenarios, like "what would you do if a man you don't know offers you candy and a ride home?", and have them explain what they'd do. Once you know how they'd handle the situation, you can guide them to the proper course of action.

Tip

"Be Careful."

Saying this while your child is balancing on the monkey bars actually makes them more likely to fall. "Your words distract them from what they're doing," says Deborah Carlisle Solomon, author of Baby Knows Best.

If you're feeling anxious, move close to spot them in case they take a tumble, being as still and quiet as you can. Let them maintain their focus and still provide support if needed.

"No Dessert Unless You Finish Dinner."

Avoid saying this at dinner as it increases a child's perceived value of the treat and diminishes their enjoyment of the meal itself, says Parents advisor David Ludwig, MD, PhD, director of the New Balance Foundation Obesity Prevention Center at Boston Children's Hospital and author of Ending the Food Fight. Foods should not be offered as a reward or withheld as punishment, imparting this mindset on your children sets them up for unhealthy eating habits.

Tweak your message along these lines: "First we eat our meal and then we have dessert." The wording change, though subtle, has a far more positive impact on your child.

"Let Me Help."

When your child is struggling to build a block tower or finish a puzzle, it's natural to want to give them a hand. Don't. "If you jump in too soon, that can undermine your child's independence," says Myrna Shure, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at Drexel University in Philadelphia and author of Raising a Thinking Child.

Instead, ask guiding questions to help them solve the problem: "Do you think the big piece or the little one should go at the bottom? Why do you think that? Let's give it a try." This will not only help foster their independence but also build confidence.

Reference: The Zen Parent: By Michelle Crouch ;Published on August 27, 2024;  Reviewed by Laura Anderson Kirby, PhD