'Here's how I got over feeling guilty for wanting time away from my kids'

I’m as happy as a clam spending time with me, myself and I. Where some may panic at the thought of eating alone in a café, taking a lonesome wander around a gallery, pottering around in an empty house, or heading off on a solo holiday, I revel in those moments of alone time, doing what I choose, with only myself to please.

Well, that used to be my reality; several years and two primary school age children (I have a son 9, and daughter, 6) later, my opportunities for solitude are far less frequent.

Now in my late thirties, I've started to regularly fantasise about ‘me time', but after chores and life admin are out of the way, my free time is actually ‘parent time’. Even sneaking off to read in a quiet room or, that self-care cliché; a bubble bath is often interrupted with cries of “Mummmyyy!”.

My desperate desire to seek solitude may single-handedly be responsible for me being the fittest I’ve ever been – yep, I had to run away to the woods, pool or gym for a legitimate excuse to create some time on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore being with my family and I love hanging out with my friends, but if I don’t have a regular dose of time alone I feel a little trapped. This makes me short-tempered, taking it out on loved ones who may not understand why I need to be apart from them now and then.

Solitude is good for you. It's a fact

So, imagine my celebratory air punch when I read about a recent study that concluded solitude is good for our mental health. Scientists at the University of Reading asked 178 adults to keep a daily journal for three weeks, recording time spent alone and time spent interacting with others, along with noting their sense of autonomy, stress levels, loneliness and life satisfaction.

The study, published in the journal Scientific Reports, found that periods of voluntary solitude resulted in reduced stress and a greater sense of freedom. However, researchers made it clear these positive benefits apply to those classed as ‘alone but not lonely’. We benefit when solitude is a personal choice but enforced isolation, something millions of us experienced in the Covid lockdowns, can, unsurprisingly, increase feelings of loneliness – the health risks of which are similar to that of smoking, alcohol consumption and lack of exercise.

a person and two children sitting on a couch© kerry Law - Hearst Owned

It's great to have scientific proof backing my case for time alone. Yet when it comes to it, I love being with my family – every day is improved by hearing my little ones’ made-up jokes – and I’m all too aware that one day they will want to spend zero time with me. So why do I still hanker for moments of solitude?

‘It's normal to crave temporary escapes, even from the relationships we cherish the most. This stems from our innate need for balance between social interaction and personal space,’ Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, tells Women's Health.

‘Everyone needs time to recharge, reflect and practice self-care. These moments of alone time allow us to maintain our sense of individuality, explore other interests, and process our thoughts and feelings.’

She explains that introverts, like me, who recharge by spending time alone, might naturally enjoy solitude more than extroverts who gain energy from being around others, but adds ‘both personality types can learn to balance these aspects.’

Time-out becomes more challenging with family responsibilities in the mix. Claire Elms, therapeutic life coach at Inspire You, speaks from experience telling me, ‘Parenthood often demands a significant amount of time and attention, leaving us with fewer opportunities for personal time. This can lead to feelings of overwhelm and a loss of individual freedom.’ It’s a combo that leaves parents crying out for some time on their own.

How to find guilt-free solitude

As a parent, it’s hard to shake that feeling that you’re rejecting someone; particularly young children, when you choose to spend time apart from them. So how can we navigate the guilt that comes with seeking solitude?

Elms advises, ‘Reframing solitude as an opportunity for personal growth and rejuvenation can shift your mindset from guilt to self-compassion.’ She describes it as a ‘put on your own mask first’ approach, i.e. a better you is a better parent, adding that you need to ‘communicate openly with your family about the importance of self-care and alone time. a man paddle boarding on the water© kerry Law - Hearst Owned

‘Additionally, encouraging family members to also take moments for themselves can help normalise the practice and reduce feelings of rejection. As a mum of two young children, I find it easier to schedule things at regular times, that way it becomes a habit and a part of normal family life.’

Dr Touroni adds, ‘A helpful mindset is to view 'me time' as essential to your wellbeing, just like eating well or exercising – ensure everyone understands and respects this as a healthy part of the family dynamic.’

Practise ‘solitude skills’

In Alonement: How to be alone and absolutely own it, Francesca Specter’s guidebook (and accompanying podcast) for fellow alone time-lovers, she makes a strong case for valuing ‘solitude skills’, the flipside of social skills, as a marker of emotional development.

When we are busy meeting the needs of others we often become estranged from our desires and, ultimately, who we are. To combat this, Specter suggests a good solitude skill is practising ‘positive selfishness’ – to indulge in activities that bring you, and only you, satisfaction but are perfectly harmless to anyone else. She believes once your needs have been met, you are more amenable to compromise when you are with others.

For Specter, learning how to create quality alone time is another important skill – and it means no falling down social media rabbit holes - as this will make you avoid the thoughts in your head when you're by yourself. Specter forward plans her ‘solo dates’ making anticipation part of the delicious joy of solitude, and ensures those precious minutes or hours are not wasted. 

A person's feet on a rock by a beach© kerry Law - Hearst Owned

Dr Touroni also stresses the importance of making the time count: ‘This can be anything from reading, journaling, practising mindfulness, pursuing a hobby... Making solitude meaningful involves setting intentions for alone time whether that's to rest, reflect, learn something new, or simply enjoy some downtime.’

Learning to switch off is essential here, particularly in helping us avoid FOMO. Elms explains, ‘When we choose to spend time alone we may experience feelings of guilt or anxiety about missing out on social activities. [Solitude] allows us to disconnect from the outside world and tune into our thoughts and feelings.’

Beware of loneliness

Even if we choose to spend time alone, when does beneficial solitude become unhealthy isolation? ‘One warning sign is when the thought of social interaction induces anxiety or avoidance,’ says Elms. ‘Feeling debilitated or overwhelmed by the idea of interacting with others may indicate that you've become too reliant on solitude.’

Both Elms and Dr Touroni recommend scheduling weekly activities that include time for both solitude and social connection to maintain balance. Got it. Inspired by Specter, I’ve booked a solo date to the cinema – there’s a kids’ party on Saturday so I need to bring my absolute A+ parent self.

Here's how I practised solitude:

Yoga

How I felt before: A breakfast squabble and the 50^th request for what we were doing that Saturday made me guiltily shut the door on my children ('Mummy will be out in 20 minutes…') for some living room-based yoga.

How I felt after: Yoga with Adriene delivered the stillness I needed. I was now embodying the eye of the storm more refreshingly - or as a less snappy version of myself with the kids.

Cinema

Before: Nowadays, a trip to the cinema means Disney so I gave myself an afternoon off to see something a bit more indie.

After: What a treat! Seeing a grown-up film (All of Us Strangers) was like being reacquainted with my old self who used to do this almost weekly.

Hobbying

Before: Dr Touroni recommends hobbies for alone time, so it was out with the modelling clay to restart an old project (recreating album covers in FIMO – as silly as it sounds).

After: I find crafting with kids quite (read: very) stressful – this was a reminder of how mindful and relaxing it can be.

Pottering at home

Before: After a particularly busy week I persuaded everyone to go away for the weekend, so I could have a delicious 24 hours to myself. No guilt: the kids get 100% daddy time; I get 100% me time.

After: I read, I exercised, I listened to music, and no one asked me for food. But after a while I missed them. On their return, the house was full of noise, mess and requests for dinner - and I wasn’t irritated by it at all.

So, can you enjoy solitude (without the guilt) when you’re a parent?

I took on board the experts’ advice; that talking to our families about how beneficial time-out is for our mental health, but realised it’s hard to explain that concept to children under 10 – they just want you to play tea parties or chat about space. And why not? These are precious moments that I’m running out of time for.

For now, the best piece of advice I will use is from Elms: to encourage everyone in the family to create their own alone time, to normalise it and make it fair for everyone. In fact, my kids already do this when they squirrel themselves away in their rooms to read undisturbed.

I hope that they’ll soon realise that every time their mum also shuts herself away for half an hour she emerges much happier and more relaxed – and that’s better for everyone in the family.