Aromachildhood

I sometimes feel bad I don’t have a relationship with my parents. Should I get back in touch and try again?

I’m in my late-30s and stopped communicating with my parents a few years ago. They had been controlling, manipulative and demanding and despite trying to assert some healthy boundaries, they didn’t respect me so I decided to cease contact. In the time I haven’t spoken to them I’ve flourished and feel like myself, my confidence and self-esteem are doing well and I haven’t had issues with anxiety or depression.

I sometimes feel bad that we don’t have a relationship and I wonder if I should get in touch to try again, with much stricter boundaries that, if they don’t respect them, would mean I stop contact. But I’m concerned they would continue their narcissistic and demanding behaviour again. I don’t know if re-establishing contact is a good idea or if I’m romanticising the idea of having a family relationship with them. My friends have been sceptical about whether they would change. What would you recommend?

Eleanor says: One of the hardest things about walking away from family is the knowledge that we don’t get another one. With so many other relationships – romantic partner, friend, mentor – we walk away in part because we hope it might make room for something better to come along. But we don’t get extra parents. When we let go, we know better ones aren’t going to appear in their place.

It’s really hard to say more about your situation without specifics, because I want to be able to say two competing things.

Related: There is a huge difference between my partner’s financial situation and mine. How can this be bridged? | Leading questions

On the one hand, I want to be able to tell you that “family” doesn’t need to count over how these people treat you. If they treat you cruelly or make you feel bad, you’re allowed to adjudicate them exactly as you would anyone else, and decide you’re done with them for good. This idea can be slow to dawn. We’re so used to the idea that blood is thicker than water, and people so often defer to cliches about family like “well, I’m sure they love you,” as though that’s a truism. It’s not. Some families don’t love each other. And you’re allowed to decide you won’t accept rubbish behaviour just because it comes from someone with whom you share DNA. It can take decades to realise this.

On the other hand, I also want to be able to tell you that families can weather a whole lot. Some of the closest families you’ll ever meet have also had hundreds of screaming arguments or stopped speaking for years at a time. Something weird can happen in the furnace of a shared history that produces a connection stronger than just mutually positive evaluation. It can take decades to realise this, too.

There are both kinds of families all over the world. But a huge part of the problem you’re in right now is that you can’t always tell from the inside which version you’re in – and without specifics, nor can I.

So the only thing to do is to make friends with that uncertainty, and act in a way that you’ll be happy with, no matter which version yours turns out to be.

It could help to ask: what is it that’s making you want to reach out? Perhaps try to set yourself up with a motivation that your parents can’t disappoint. For instance, if you decide to reach out from a place of curiosity – “I wonder if a better relationship is possible?” – then no matter how they behave, you’ll get what you wanted: clarity either way. But if you reach out because you want something from them – “I hope they show me they value me” – you’ll be left open to the pain of disappointment.

If you do reach out, it might help to remember that you retain your right to leave again whenever you want. You’ve already done the hard bit – that was going no-contact in the first place. You can resume that at any time. You can also have interim strategies up your sleeve, like shutting the conversation down when a certain topic comes up, or making sure you meet somewhere you can leave quickly if they cross a boundary.

It isn’t necessarily “romanticising” to wonder if a better relationship is possible. But given how many different kinds of family there are, it could help if you focus on what you’ll be proud of; not on how they might respond.